Before Memory

My mother told me she cried the first time she saw me.

More than anything else in the world she wanted to be a mother.  She had always wanted to be a mother.  She was the oldest of eleven children and had had plenty of time to learn mothering skills.  Before she was ten years old she could bake bread.  She loved sewing for her little sisters.  When she graduated from high school she wondered what she would do next.  She decided to attend a nurses training program in a hospital school.  After that she attended a university where she met my father.  After graduating she accepted a job near where he lived several states away.  They married and began life together and she hoped to become a mother.  A year she waited, then another.  Finally, along I came, and she cried.

I wouldn't have understood then why she cried.  I was completely unaware that only one in a thousand births included my complication.  It wouldn't have mattered to me that it was not hereditary or caused by exposrue to substances my mother worked with as a nurse or any other reason that has been discovered through research.  But, to her credit, I never knew my mother cried until she told me when I was much much older.

Here is what I am told about my early years.

• When my first sister came along two years and several months later I took her bottle away from her and drank it.
• When my parents traded the pick-up truck in for a car I cried when they put me in the back seat because I thought I would be left behind.
• I hid the car keys in hopes that my dad wouldn't have to leave for work.  (He worked all week out of town).
• Sometimes I would fall asleep in the car where I would hide so my dad wouldn't leave without me.
• My parents chose an apartment because it had a fenced play-yard.  Soon I figured out how to escape (while my mom was keeping house or taking care of my sister) and I would walk to a nearby frosty and stand and look at people and they would buy me an icecream cone and that's when my mom would find me.
• I was always getting away and I would do things like crawl under a train that was stopped.  I do remember being told to NEVER crawl under a train -- even if it was not moving.
• When my mom was at work I tripped at the babysitter's and knocked out my front tooth.  My parents were not called and when I was picked up the bleeding had stopped so I wasn't taken to the dentist.  I was just two years old.  When the permanent tooth grew in it was discolored and misformed.
• I had pneumonia when I was four.  I called it "laughing fever" because I was told I got it from rolling in wet grass--which I loved doing.  I remember my dad playing a recording of Aida "to get well by".
• I went snooping in the detached garage and found my mother's wedding veil and completely ruined it by playing with it.
• I got my mom's iron out to iron something and left it face down on the linoleum in our rented house and went out to play.  It left a mark.  It's a good thing my mom found it before any more harm was done.
• I got into my mom's makeup and completely covered my sister in red lipstick.  I must have got some on me too as I recall enduring a good scrubbing.
• I "snacked" on plain crisco til my mom found me eating it.
• My sister and I made a complete mess of a batchelor neighbor's apartment while he was at work.  Two bear cubs on the lose couldn't have done more damage.  My mom had to clean it up and pay for the damages and apologize profusly.
• One time I had two dimes to spend.  I put them in the radio-flyer wagon and attached the wagon to my tricycle and began peddaling to town, listening the the happy jingle of the bouncing dimes.  I didn't know we lived ten miles from town on a ranch.  I got clear to the nearest neighbor's house.  Their dogs started barking and I started crying.  The lady at the house took me inside and gave me a bowl of icecream.  By now I had two sisters and the laudry room flooded all the time and my mom had to do  lots of water baling in the basement.  We had only one car so my mom couldn't come after me.  The lady gave me a ride home and my didn't I feel grand.

A Westerner's Observations on the East circa 1950

White Man Returns by A.N. Keith


My rating: 3 of 5 stars


After the Keiths were freed from a Japanese internment camp during WWII on the island of Borneo they have an all-too-brief recuperation in Canada. This story is about their return to Borneo to participate in re-building the country following the war. The author introduces us to many interesting people. It is a very engaging and sometimes insightful narrative.

Thoughts shared...

p. 82 The more I know of aborigines the more I suspect that only time, unhurried, unharassed, unorganized, untiring and unbeatable, will tell on them. But time will. And meanwhile the factor that the primitive people of Borneo need for civilization is the liberty which alone prepares me for liberty.

p. 142 Goerge at seven is either full-speed or full-stop... (great description)

p. 270 But the young woman who writes me today is no longer a Eurasian girl assailing the Western world--she is a woman proudly Chinese. Jeannette writes:

First I must warn you not to jump to conclusions and start thinking that we are behind the "bamboo curtain" and all such bosh on which American politicians and journalists dwell with such delight.

Not being totally Chinese, I must say that I too sometimes feel it is hard to understand the Chinese, though it is easier for me to do so than for a Westerner. But the real trouble with most people is that they do not even bother to try to understand the Chinese, because it is more restful to just dismiss us from their minds.

The few months preceding the liberation of Shanghai were were so confused that I hope never to see such times again. The KMT once again showed its inability to cope with a situation which it had created with its own hands, because it had sunk so low that it just couldn't rise for any kind of effort. The monetary situation was absolutely terrible, with the black market reigning supreme and price fluctuations so violent, that if one did not dispose of one's money immediately, ti lost as much as 50 per cent of its value within a few hours. When our salary was due, we tried to get it as fast as possible, as a delay of 10 or 20 minutes meant a big loss. There were Chinese silver dollars in circulation and peddlers at every corner selling and buying them, and the tinkling of coins as they rang them became a familiar and irritating sound, with prices being upped all the time and white-collar employees and others were wondering whether to buy Chinese or U.S. dollars, and where no to get cheated. Pay day was not workday for any of us, but a series of speculative suggestions, and when one thinks back it was all very funny--but at the time it was more tragic!

Though it was a foregone conclusion that Shanhai would fall to the Communists, we did not think it would happen so fast, at least, not when the KMT was boasting of its impregnable defenses and warning the population to stock in six months' supplies. One of the fortifications built around the city was alternately called "great wall of Shanghai," or "toothpick defense," and consisted merely of a wooden barrier. No doubt someone managed to get quite a bit into his pockets on that project!

The battle of Shanghai was quickly decided. On the morning of May 25th and KMT had a "victory parade" in town to celebrate the "huge victories" they had gained! At two p.m. the same afternoon they were retreating, and the People's Liberation Army came in around 10 p.m., and we were awakened by the sound of running feet in our street and discovered the KMT soldiers were running full speed toward the Bund with all their gear. When we got up the next morning, the city had been liberated--all very peacefully except for a little resistance in some districts, which was quickly put down.

The first surprise in Shanghai was the good discipline of the PLA soldiers--we had become so accustomed to the behavior of the KMT soldiers who were always disorderly, and more a public menace than a protection; they would throw grenades in theaters and cinemas because they couldn't get in free of charge, and beat up or shoot bus or tram conductors who would ask them for tickets, ad infinitum. On the contrary, an event never before witnessed in China, the PLA man is polite, pays for everything he buys, and is well disciplined. Yet he does not have a beautiful uniform, and many of them wear plain Chinese shoes. It is argued that the reason for it is because he knows why he is fighting, and I believe this is true. (She writes several more pages).

p. 277 (to her husband upon finishing reading the letter aloud to him) What she says is no doubt true, the facts are there. She is an intelligent young woman, and that is the way it all looks to her. If so, it's frightening! ...Just how and why did we (the United States) fail to be that friend?

Because we didn't promise the right things. It's as Jeannette said, democracy and freedom half the world away have no meaning to people who have never known them--people who are schooled to the bondage of want.

(later, on a trip to town) I met old man Lo the next day, the paterfamilias of at least a hundred local Los, the best Chinese in our country. I asked him what impressions he had received on his recent visit to China, about the Communist regime.

"Very energetic!" Mr. Lo said promptly. "Very busy, very hard workers, and at first, very good! The Pople's Army comes into a village, the soldiers have ragged uniforms, but very fine discipline, and behave very politely and are honest, and always careful to pay for what they take. Then everybody very much impressed, and say Very good! Very good! And Communists say, Business as usual!

"Soon a levy is made on all shops and businesses, and a heavy tax is collected from shopkeepers, either in money, or in donations of necessary foods and materials. Then the shopkeepers say,We cannot do this! But the Communists say, You must do it because you have shops and materials, and you must share. The shopkeepers say, If I give you my materials I cannot do business, then I do not have a shop, then I myself need help. This I go broke! So he goes broke! And then business is not as usual."

"But China is a country with more people who have nothing to lose and something to gain," he continued, "than people who have plenty to lose. So more people will welcome Communists, than are afraid of Communists coming, for fear they lose something."

"What about the KMT?" I asked. "Did they help business? Or did they hinder?"

"Well, the Kuomintang did not help business, but they left shops and business alone."

"But under the old system," I persisted, "didn't you have to pay assessments and private contributions to government officials, to keep your business going?"

"Y-e-e-e-s, but we learn how, now. After we know the system, we make our money in spite of it. This Communism all right for young men who have nothing. Not good for old men like me who are too old to learn new ways."

When Harry came home at noon I said, "Why don't you get some dependable, sensible man of property like Mr. Lo to talk to these young Chinese here who rush about so anxiously waiting to get a chance to wave the Red Flag? He might put some practical common-sense ideas into their heads."

"Ol man Lo's worked hard all his life," Harry answereed, "and accumulated money and possessions in spite of the abueses of his own government. But there isn't a single young Chinese who would listen to what the old man says. Any more than they'd listen to me! The day of the old men, and the white man, is past in the East."

p. 287 (regarding the murder trial of a member of the Thirteen Essential Ingredients) The diary owner was asked to explain why he was considering these people for assassination. He gave as his reasoned response the following statement: "I wrote those names when I was in a bad state of mind!"

A bad state of mind, which is so bad that to remedy itself it feels justified in and takes steps towards promoting the murder of men of outstanding integrity, honesty, and unshelfish dealing, is more than a bad temper. ... A bad state of mind is a name for what takes place in a man's mind when he experiences a strong emotional urge for an end he believes legitimate, and at the same time finds himself without legitimate means of achieving the end. To such a state, there are three possible answers: one, to exterminate the minds in which the desire exists; two, to eliminate the desire from the minds; three, to concede to the desire.

By our own creed, and all the oaths that we have sworn at others for ruthless methods, we are forbidden to give the first answer, extermination. By our claims to educate subject peoples for self-government, we are morally forbidden to give the second answer, even if it were within our power to eliminate the desire for self-rule from the heart of men. Yet to give the third answer, self-rule for inexperienced peoples, when their primary need is still food and housing, is economically dangerous. And to give self-rule to any group not yet able to keep its own independence and maintain self-rule exposes it to certain exploitation by less well-meaning masters than ourselves.

So nothing is done. If nothing is better than anything, then we are right. If anything is better than a grievance which leads to "a bad state of mind" out of which comes murder, then we are wrong.

And meanwhile matters do not stand still. Out of a bad state of mind comes soon desregard of methods, and then follows quickly the end justifying every means. And then comes the long line of martyrs, the crepe-adorned, flower-strewn death-pale faces of conscientious men who followed their duty, only to be slain by other men, dark-browed, fanatic-hearted, bloody-handed men driven by a mad force madly--but to accomplish a not-mad end--self-rule.

p. 308 (Christmas Eve musings in Canada again) But in Asia it is different. There the majority of people do not have comfortable homes, glowing hearth fires, happiness and material contentment, and they never have had. Their living, or their dying, means little by Asiatic values. But democracies do not have masses of people who do not matter, masses to be sacrificed safely to the enemy as cannon fodder; the password of democracy is that every man matters.

New vocabulary to me...

p.23 pulchritude The most attractive women in every gathering were Chinese. These were graceful, dainty, beautifully formed women, with porcelain skins and sparkling eyes, exquisitely gowned, carefully tinted, tastefully jeweled. Although by cinema standards they lacked the two movie-marks of female pulchritude, the remedy for this lack was displayed in all the shop windows thich now offered in profusion...

p. 57 tiffin On this day Bob was sitting in the living room making notes for the coming film, and the household was quiet with the soundlessness which means the servants are all asleep and if you want anything done you'd better do it yourself. I left this peaceful scene to drive to the office and fetch Harry for tiffin.

p. 126 procurer He always would get that taxi because he was sorry for the driver, Sing Fook San, who used to be a procurer but had reformed now and kept taxis instead.

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What it means to bear testimony

Witness by Whittaker Chambers

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I have to rate this five stars because of its power to change minds and thus change lives. I began "reading" it by asking my library to obtain the audio edition through inter-library loan. I got half-way through before having to return it. I then picked up my library's re-bound copy and found myself scribbling notes and page numbers on both sides of two bookmarks. I am glad the audio got me through the background and the book got the ideas through me.

Chambers is an apt and intelligent writer. He was good friends with James Agee (who I put among the most genius of American writers)and other key thinkers of his time, which helped place him at Time Magazine during its years with Henry Luce at the helm.

Chambers was a Communist by conscience during the turbulent 1920's and 1930's and then conscientiously abandoned Communism in the mid 1930's with his wife and children. He later became a key witness under subpeona for the House Committee on Un-American Activities in the late 1940's. He had met ten years earlier with a fairly high-ranking government official and disclosed to him all the information he had at the time relating to espionage. He expected to be arrested but nothing ever came of it. Years later he learned the information had been disclosed privately to FDR who chose not to take any action.

Chambers' work in court and with typewriter was to witness FOR Christianity rather than against Communism. At one point he relates a conversation he had with another defector. This man said something to the effect that one is either a Revolutionary or a Counter-revolutionary. He meant by "revolutionary" one who is on the side of Communism and by "counter-revolutionary" one who is not. In other words, if you are not actively engaged in the counter-revolution you are actually in the camp of the revolutionary.

I had to think of this in terms of the war that is now taking place-- the war of Cosmic Humanist, Secular Humanist, and Judeo-Christian ideology in the minds and lives of the inhabitants of this planet. The revolutionary is the Secular Humanist and the counter-revolutionary is the Judeo-Christian. Cosmic Humanism, no doubt, has always been somewhat of a sub-current (as I understand it).

Chambers is most well-known as the person who informed on Alger Hiss, citing and providing evidence that Hiss was engaged in espionage (for which he could not now be tried due to the statute of limitations). Hiss, on his part, was a key player at Yalta and at the inception of the United Nations and very deeply imbedded in many departments of government. He had all the "friends", legal counsel, money, reputation, intelligencia, media, and public opinion on his side. Chambers had no money, initially no legal counsel, very little media and public, etc. on his side. And yet the legal battle stretched over several years, with even Pres. Truman calling Chambers a "red herring".

When Chambers broke with Communism he attempted to persuade Hiss to break as well. His former friendship with Hiss and his family made him reluctant to publicly cite Hiss's and other's espionage involvement.

Wikipedia articles on Chambers and on Hiss contain discrepancies and also expose distrubing flaws in Chambers' days with Communism and assert that Hiss claims to the end of his long life to have been innocent of all charges.

In a Heartbeat

In a Heartbeat: Sharing the Power of Cheerful Giving by Leigh Anne Tuohy


My rating: 4 of 5 stars


This was very worth the time spent reading -- in fact, I read the first few chapters aloud to my family. If you enjoyed the movie The Blind Side, you'll enjoy this book. The book practically pulses with energy. They share life lessons and insights they have picked up along the way and implemented. Their purpose for writing this book is to help us all do whatever little bit we feel prompted to do. Note to self: look up http://www.makingithappenfoundation.com/




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An Eleven-Day Challenge

I agreed to participate in an 11-Day Challenge with two of my daughters and three other "teamates" unknown to me.  It was called "IsaGameOn".  Fortunately, I had been given four cannisters of Isagenics shakes for Christmas.

The challenge involved agreeing to...

• weighing and measuring ourselves on days 1, 5, and 11 (with penalties for doing so on any of the other days).
• having two Isa-meals and one 400 to 600 calorie meal each day
• having one ounce of ionix and one ounce of cleanse every day
• exercising thirty minutues every day
• drinking three litres of water every day
• sleeping seven hours of sleep every night
• giving up one bad habit
• taking on one good habit
• connecting with at least one team member every day
• visiting the IsaGameOn blog every day

I gave up watching dvd's for eleven days. 
I took on reading two chapters of Proverbs every day. 
My exercise consisted of either walking, shoveling snow, or "dancing" on a DDR (dance dance revolution) mat. 

This simple challenge was surprisingly difficult and at the same time refreshingly simple.  As fate would have it there was a tempting array of snacks and candy free for the taking at my work most days.  It was good to have the challenge to give me the fortitude to resist.  It was invigorating to discover how productive my evenings could be when I wasn't absorbed in movie viewing.

I was so glad I had already created my eleven intentions for 2011.  I used the IsaGameOn challenge to put me on the path to seeing some of these intentions become reality.

Happily, together Jasmine, Margret and I released 20 pounds and over 40 inches!  Hooray!  And not a minute too soon.  I was on the threshold of growing out of my clothes as we began.  The process of the challenge helped us reshape our eating habits and reconstruct other healthy lifestyle components.

I heartily recommend this exercise for all!

Vivian's Top Eleven Intentions for 2011

1. Attain & maintain optimum health (walk, bike, or ddr 4 days a week; make steady healthy progress to ideal weight of 145 pounds and stay there; have laser maintenance for health & cosmetic reasons) and reward myself by giving away existing wardrobe and acquiring new wardrobe.  Yippeeeeeee!
2. Attain (by paying off all credit cards) & maintain optimum wealth by giving
• 10% to charity--including Trina's mission; putting
• 10% in short-term savings--to pay for trip in Sept. 2012 to pick up Trina in Croatia and go to Greece; paying
• 20% to support Steve's (BYU-I)  & Julia's (Jefferson Montessori) education; giving a
• 10% tithing; putting
• 10% in long-term savings; living on
• 40% of our income--
• AFTER establishing a minimum of $1,000 emergency fund).
3. Acquire a luxury economy vehicle (something sleek, feminine, in good condition so will need little or no maintenance or repairs, is good on gas mileage). 
4. Acquire a computer set that will support digital scrapbooking (computer--a desktop & a laptop, flat sceen monitors, keyboard, scanner/copier/fax, high-speed internet, will support all the current web-browsers and downloads, with back-up support) and if I am working full-time outside the home use it at least five hours a week and not more than twenty hours a week.
5. Plan and do my own twelve-month "Happiness Project".
6. Apply myself to traditional scrap-booking two - ten hours a week to complete six years of Christmas albums, six years of family albums, and three sister albums.  Use Sunday afternoons and one evening and / or Saturday each week for this project.
7. Acquire a Visa and a Passport and research travel options to Croatia and Greece.
8. Support "turning the hearts of the children to the fathers" through weekly temple attendance, incorporating family history into home-school curriculumn and continuing to complete digital books on four generations of direct ancestors.
9. Travel with Steve and Julia and other family members who are able to join us to visit Tara in Montana, and three other destinations of our choice within an eight-state radius--Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Utah, Nevada, Colorado, Arizona, California .
10. Support my on-going journey as an auto-diadact through monthly reading & writing with my father and sisters in a Five-Pillar Program; through reading/listening to and reviewing four works of non-fiction each month and four works of fiction each month; attending or conducting one book-discussion each month, and reading aloud to Julia at least four days each week.
11. Support preparedness by driving on the top half of the tank; reviewing risk management skills; engaging in daily personal prayer and scripture study and daily family devotionals; making daily/weekly blog entries; supporting relationships through FB, notes, phonecalls, planning and having quality/quantity times together; giving thanks and showing kindness and appreciation to spouse, children, friends, parents, extended family, neighbors, co-workers, service providers --everyone!

Vivian's Top Ten Impressions of 2010

1. I have a vague recollection of wishing in my last year's Christmas letter that we would be driving on the top half of the tank this year.  As it turned out we spent the year driving on fumes, if anything.
2. We teetered on the brink of foreclosure of our Cedar City home.   At the time there were 700 homes in foreclosure in the area so all homes were listing at foreclosure prices, which would have put us $80K in the hole.  Nearly all of us were unemployed for two months during winter and spring and those that weren't were in no position to help.  It was very scary. 
3. The hardest part of moving out of my sister's home (which we had been renting while they served a mission in Long Beach, CA) was leaving all the friends we had grown to love.  Even though it was the first of May it was freezing cold with gale-force winds and we had no heat in our new place that first week.  We discovered how difficult it is to sleep at 40 degrees.  Two college graduations took place the Friday before the move--Laura (SVU in Buena Vista, VA) and Jasmine(SUU in Cedar City, UT -- see her blog( http://jasminemiliusportfolio.blogspot.com/ ) (!!)  As it happens, the new library addition was completed that same week, so there was a big move at work too!.  All this change put me into serious overload.  I did not handle it well. 
4. I'm so grateful for the many cozy hours I spent with Lark and Julia--reading aloud, watching movies, going on walks, driving Lark to classes once a week, doing story times with Lark -- we created so many memories.  (see my library blog at http://vivianthelibrarian.blogspot.com/)  Lark moved to Nevada in June (see her blog at http://lella-farming.blogspot.com/) and Julia stayed with her college sisters (see her blog at http://zdragonwriter.blogspot.com/) while Laura spent her few spare minutes preparing for her wedding to David Felt on July 2nd.  It was crazy.  I was feeling very much like a past participle. 
5. Trina moved in with us in August, hoping to step into one of Laura's jobs (which she did) to earn money to pay off some school loans and prepare to serve a full-time mission.  One morning she woke up with a tickle in her ear, which we thought might be an insect or spider.  It was early Saturday, of course, so we went to the hospital (not knowing of any doctor's offices that might be open) and found out that it costs $200 to have an ear flushed with peroxide!  Trina is excited to announce she just received her mission call to serve in the Slovenia / Croatia mission and she will be learning to speak Croatian.  I am already plotting a family excursion to retrieve her a year from September.
6. I kept a "miracle journal" much of the year, recording many tender mercies of the Lord.  I must say, though, that it is not much use to count your blessings when you persist in pulling out your proverbial dead skunk and sniffing it.  The skunk (skunks?) had to go!
7. I found out (the hard way) that paying a full tithe brings more than monetary blessings.  I found out (the hard way) that having hurty feelings towards others hurts you.  I found out (the hard way) that the Savior's redemptive power covers all pain. I have experienced the Miracle of Forgiveness--both the ability to forgive AND be forgiven. This was so much bigger than me and beyond my capability --I could not do it alone.  I  KNOW that the Savior lives, knows me, loves me.  It is funny that the littlest things manifest this to me.
8. I moved here with the idea that I would do or accomplish certain things--none of which happened. Then it occurred to me to break some of those big ambitions into bite-size daily tidbits.  Voila`--happiness.  No more blame and complain.  No more victim of circumstance.
9. I have been desperately wanting (needing?) a computer for my digital scrapbooking passion. However, somehow my life goes on without one.  However, a broken molar must be addressed.  So, I find myself in indentured (ha ha) servitude, paying for a crown in small monthly installments for an excessive length of time, thinking all the while that the tooth cost as much as a computer would have!  Sigh.   P.S.  Shop for traditional or digital scrapbook supplies at my website: www.mycmsite.com/sites/vivianm  or just visit for some great ideas.  I can set up a webinar class for you and some friends to help you get free or discounted products and digital savvy.  Plus, there is now software with a Mac-format!
10.  I have discovered that the Lord knew what our needs would be long before we did and that we were prompted to take measures for one reason that  produced just-in-time blessings for an entirely different but more urgent need.  I found so many ways to be grateful and happy--pleasant walks, appreciating general good health, monthly sister conference calls, family gatherings, stimulating reading or conversations, the ability to adjust and learn from mistakes, challenges faced, kindness and generosity from others, milestones achieved, noticing comforts, being healed or relieved from pain. 

 Dare I say this might well have been the worst and best year of my life?